Why Am I Attracted to Unavailable Men? Understanding Patterns in Love

Why Am I Attracted to Unavailable Men? Understanding Patterns in Love

As a love and relationships psychology guru with years of experience in the field, I have come across many women who ask me the same question: “Why am I attracted to unavailable men?”

I understand this question all too well because I have personally experienced it. I have found myself time and time again drawn to men who are emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic, or simply not interested in a long-term relationship.

At first, I thought it was just bad luck or a coincidence. But as I delved deeper into the psychology of love and relationships, I realized that there was a pattern in my attraction to unavailable men.

Through my personal experience and research, I have come to understand that there are several reasons why someone might be drawn to unavailable partners. These reasons may include childhood experiences, past traumas, or simply a lack of self-worth.

In this article, I will explore the psychology behind attraction to unavailable men and provide insights into how to break free from this pattern and find fulfilling, healthy relationships.

What Does It Mean to Be Attracted to Unavailable Men?

At some point in our lives, we may find ourselves drawn to people who are emotionally or physically unavailable. This attraction can be confusing and frustrating, leaving us wondering why we keep repeating the same patterns in our love lives.

Defining Unavailability in Relationships

Unavailability in relationships can take many forms. It could mean that the person you’re interested in is already in a committed relationship, lives far away, or simply doesn’t have the time or energy to invest in a new relationship. Emotional unavailability can also be a factor, where the person is unable or unwilling to open up and share their feelings.

It’s important to note that unavailability doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is a bad or unworthy partner. They may have their own reasons for being unavailable, such as past traumas or personal circumstances. However, it’s also important to recognize that pursuing a relationship with someone who is unavailable can lead to disappointment and heartbreak.

The Reasons Behind Attraction to Unavailable Men

There are several reasons why someone might be attracted to unavailable men:

  • Familiarity: If you grew up with emotionally unavailable parents or caregivers, you may be unconsciously drawn to partners who replicate that dynamic.
  • Low self-esteem: If you don’t believe that you deserve a healthy, fulfilling relationship, you may be more likely to settle for someone who is unavailable.
  • Desire for a challenge: Some people enjoy the thrill of pursuing someone who is hard to get.
  • Fear of intimacy: If you’re afraid of getting too close to someone, you may be attracted to people who are unlikely to reciprocate your feelings.

It’s also worth noting that attraction to unavailable men isn’t limited to women. Men can also find themselves drawn to partners who are emotionally or physically unavailable.


If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to unavailable men, it’s important to take a step back and examine your patterns in relationships. Consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor to explore the underlying reasons behind your attraction to unavailable partners. With self-awareness and a willingness to change, you can break free from destructive relationship patterns and find the love and fulfillment you deserve.

child with parent figure

Exploring Early Childhood Experiences

As a love and relationships psychology guru, I have seen time and time again how our early childhood experiences shape our adult relationships. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, explains how our attachment styles are formed in childhood and how they impact our adult relationships.

Attachment Theory and Its Impact on Adult Relationships

Attachment theory suggests that our earliest experiences with our primary caregiver(s) shape our attachment style, which in turn influences our relationships throughout our lives. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.

Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have positive views of themselves and their partners, feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, and are able to communicate their needs effectively. On the other hand, those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style may have a negative self-image and fear abandonment, leading to clinginess and insecurity in relationships. Those with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style may prioritize independence over intimacy and may struggle with emotional expression. Finally, individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may have a negative self-image and fear abandonment, but also fear intimacy and may struggle with trusting others.

It is important to note that attachment styles are not set in stone and can change over time with therapy and personal growth. However, understanding your attachment style can provide valuable insight into your patterns in relationships and how to improve them.

The Role of Parental Figures in Shaping Attachment Styles

Our primary caregivers, usually our parents, play a significant role in shaping our attachment style. If our caregivers were consistently responsive to our needs, we are more likely to develop a secure attachment style. However, if our caregivers were inconsistent or neglectful, we may develop an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. If our caregivers were dismissive or emotionally unavailable, we may develop a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. Finally, if our caregivers were abusive or neglectful, we may develop a fearful-avoidant attachment style.

It is important to note that while our early childhood experiences play a significant role in shaping our attachment style, they are not the only factor. Other life experiences, such as trauma or abusive relationships, can also impact our attachment style.

Attachment Style Characteristics
Secure Positive self-image, comfortable with intimacy and independence, effective communication
Anxious-preoccupied Negative self-image, fear of abandonment, clinginess, insecurity in relationships
Dismissive-avoidant Priority on independence over intimacy, struggles with emotional expression
Fearful-avoidant Negative self-image, fear of abandonment and intimacy, struggles with trust

Understanding our attachment style and the role our early childhood experiences play in shaping it can provide valuable insight into our patterns in relationships. By recognizing and addressing any negative patterns, we can work towards developing healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the future.

couple holding hands

Breaking the Pattern: Understanding Your Attraction to Unavailable Men

It’s a common scenario for many women – you find yourself constantly attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable or unable to commit. Despite your best efforts, you keep finding yourself in the same cycle of heartbreak and disappointment. But why does this pattern keep repeating itself?

Recognizing Your Attraction to Unavailable Men

The first step in breaking the pattern is recognizing that you have a tendency to be attracted to unavailable men. This can be a difficult realization to come to, but it’s an essential one if you want to move forward and build healthy relationships.

Take some time to reflect on your past relationships and consider the characteristics of the men you have been attracted to. Do they tend to be emotionally distant or non-committal? Do they have a history of being unreliable or unfaithful?

By identifying these patterns, you can begin to understand why you are attracted to these types of men and start to challenge your beliefs about relationships.

Challenging Your Beliefs About Relationships

Many women who are attracted to unavailable men have underlying beliefs about relationships that are holding them back. For example, you may believe that you don’t deserve a committed partner or that all men are inherently unfaithful.

It’s important to challenge these beliefs and replace them with healthier ones. This can be done through therapy, self-reflection, or talking to trusted friends and family members who can offer support and guidance.

Building Healthy Relationship Patterns

Once you have recognized your attraction to unavailable men and challenged your beliefs about relationships, it’s time to start building healthy relationship patterns. This means setting boundaries, communicating your needs and desires, and choosing partners who are emotionally available and willing to commit.

  • Set boundaries: Identify your deal breakers and stick to them. This can include things like not accepting disrespectful behavior or refusing to tolerate infidelity.
  • Communicate your needs: Be open and honest about what you need from a partner in order to feel fulfilled and happy in the relationship.
  • Choose emotionally available partners: Look for partners who are willing to be vulnerable and share their emotions with you. Avoid those who are emotionally closed off or unable to commit.

Breaking the pattern of attraction to unavailable men takes time and effort, but it’s worth it in the end. By recognizing your patterns, challenging your beliefs, and building healthy relationship patterns, you can find the love and commitment you deserve.

couple embracing


Understanding why we are attracted to unavailable men is the first step to breaking free from this pattern and finding healthy and fulfilling relationships. It is important to recognize that this pattern may stem from childhood experiences or past relationships, and seeking therapy or counseling can be a valuable tool in addressing these underlying issues.

It is also important to take responsibility for our own choices and actions in relationships. We can choose to prioritize our own needs and boundaries, and to walk away from relationships that do not serve us. This may require bravery and self-reflection, but it is ultimately worth it in order to build a healthy and satisfying relationship.

Embracing Healthy Relationship Choices

Embracing healthy relationship choices means prioritizing our own needs and boundaries, and being open to healthy and fulfilling relationships. This may involve setting clear boundaries, communicating effectively with our partners, and being willing to seek help when needed. It also means being open to vulnerability and taking risks in order to build a strong and lasting connection with someone who is available and compatible with us.

  • Set clear boundaries
  • Communicate effectively
  • Be willing to seek help
  • Be open to vulnerability
  • Take risks

By embracing healthy relationship choices and breaking free from patterns of attraction to unavailable men, we can open ourselves up to a world of fulfilling and loving relationships.

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